Closure & a Chance at beating this – God must have a plan for me

I have sworn all along God must have a reason…..that i couldn’t have gone through the last 4 years of hell & BS for nothing…. and evidently I was right….just when i was ready to give up….

Closure First

For some reason last night, i decided to text my step-mother to fill her in on everything.  and to say that’s been a rocky relationship the last few years is an understatement.

But I did…and it was the best conversation we’ve had in years.  And i told her I was sorry, that i had mistakenly thought she was the bad guy in the last year.  She was unaware of the things my father had said to me in May…. and i was honest when i told her i had heard it in my head daily ever since.  But that he had probably saved my life b/c i was determined out of spite to disprove him.  She said he didn’t mean it – we “pushed each other’s ugly buttons”.  Well….that’s why he couldn’t say “Hello” when i swallowed my pride on 12-23 and went to ask for help?

But then we moved on and i filled her in on my on-going health issues.  i have tried to keep her informed so no one accuses me again of not telling them anything.  Emails and texts do the trick.

So we discussed the latest developments, and the fact that i think Lyme is gonna get me by way of the heart valves.  I am convinced I’ll die from it – and whenever it happens – MedCure gets my body for Lyme Research – another blog for another day.

We discussed (by text – my hand was killing me – but i preferred text on this) why i hadn’t come to them for help – i was unaware they were willing to help.  she pointed out that i wouldn’t take the time to shut up and listen – and i reminded her that i had always been that way – long before i got sick.  That my doctor got it – my good bosses got it – that was my personality.  They let me have my rant – then we addressed the issues.  some people don’t believe i can admit my faults…but i can.

We briefly discussed the fact that my father is sick again.  I didn’t ask for details – there is still a lot of anger and i knew i might say something i would later regret.

But i did give her some info on functional medicine for him.  Leaky gut.  natural treatments that won’t affect what the specalists are doing.  Stressed adrenal function – genetic testing b/c of the way the mutations affect absorbtion of nutrients.  Detoxing, etc.

And I begged her to make sure my niece & nephew get tested for those same genetic mutations.  yes…the niece & nephew i helped raise..that no longer want me in their life.  they have to live with that.  And while it breaks my heart….i still don’t want them to get sick.  And had i known about MTHFR – well things might have been different.

And I got some closure.  more may be needed later….but for now….i feel better.   i had my say – in nice terms.  if we had been on the phone – Lyme rage would have set in and id have yelled and cussed and it would have ended like every other conversation over the last 8+ years….

No – the relationship will never be the same there.  idk if i’ll ever see any of them again.  But I got some closure.  And some of the anger is gone.  theres still some issues to work thru internally….


The Basic History

In case you haven’t read earlier posts – I am homeless.

I once had a house and 5 acres and all the trimmings.  Fought to keep it after my XH ruined my credit….remodeled it….and then got sick in 2011 (didnt know it was Lyme then).  Extenuating circumstances but i was foreclosed on the next year.  An XBF signed a lease for me on an apartment, but decided he wasn’t going to do it again.  So I moved – numerous times, since April 2014.  Right now I can’t count the times.  Family just wasnt an option.  Even the ones i never thought would turn on me…..did….

Yes I slept in my truck last summer for a while.  Anyway,  I’ve been in an extended stay hotel since 12-31-14.  Actually in one of several since 11-28-14.

Living off my retirement from state govt (greatly less than i had planned for b/c it as a medical one, 15-20 years earlier than i had “planned”).  Waiting on my disability (please God) to be approved.

And while i used to write and manage millions of $$ worth of federal grant, I can’t manage my retirement now.  have had an issue with it since i got sick.   I’ve managed to hang onto the truck i bought in 2010, and it’ll be paid off this fall.  I’ve been too sick for the last year to do the side gig that i was doing….

And Lymies know how expensive Lyme is.  The supplements etc.  Even with my ins covering the ABX (not IV like I need)…. So i went back in the red.  An escalating effect as anyone with overdraft protection knows.  And was headed to the beach this weekend, after my cardio appt on Thursday, to “wait it out”.  Whether that be Lyme, the heart, or SSD, it was a matter of which did or didn’t happen first.

Because while I am 45….my heart acts like its 80.  Not a heart murmur in 2011.  Thank you Lyme & company (sarcasm intended).

A Chance at Beating This 

Anyway, I called an old friend today to catch up – one of my former “good supervisors” (I did have some AWEFUL ones) to see how she was doing.  She’d been on my mind.  And I guess i was honestly calling to tell her bye.  I had planned to just disappear.

And she asked me to come stay with her.  And get treatment.  Take my supplements.  Etc.  Really out of the blue.

She gets me – never judged my rants long before full fledged Lyme rag came out (we didn’t know it was that then)…..i was just me.  She’s divorced, kids & grandkids too are grown.  She loves plants and animals like I do – actually has a lot of my plants on her property (I gave as many away as i could).  Just a good Christian woman – who knows who and what i was – and has faith that my time ain’t over.

And so I am going to.  Maybe i can help her out some.  I can cook….and on good days I can play in her yard (with bug spray etc)…anyone who knew me before knows that being outside is part of me.  I can do the grounding that is recommended for my healing….i can do my yoga and try to stop the loss of all my muscle tone.

And we will both have someone to talk to – which will probably be good for both of us.

So, I guess I am not done yet.  God came through.  My friends were all praying….and so was I…..but I was actually praying to be released from this living hell called Lyme & company.  God answers in the way he chooses.

And while i don’t necessarily foresee valve transplants in my future, b/c Lyme does suppress the immune system….and anti-rejection drugs are necessary for at least one of the two types oif valve replacement options….

my online Lymie friend Lindsey (pre-med and on a break b/c of a relapse brought on by a mandatory flu vaccine) told me just last night to hang on til she could get thru med school so she could figure out a way to fix it…. i guess she might get her chance.

For now at least, Im not giving up.  And I’m grateful – for a chance.  For my Lymie friends.  The new ones online and locally.  And I’m especially grateful for the few people from my old life who stayed.

So thank God.  And those of you – you know who you are.

I’m out of spoons so time for bed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s